搞毛... What the...
妈的 操 Shit, fuck.
操 操 操 操 操... Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck...
《一夜情未了》
马上加入
用户名: bestmeganever
教育程度: 医学预科 非英雄 和你一样
我想见的人: 变节警察 我行我素
人们说我长得: 以前很异域风情
特殊才艺: 像混蛋一样交谈
婚姻状态: 刚分手
职业: 无业游民
职业: 求职中
说点私密的呗: 真的要说?
周五晚上做什么: 做梦
想要纯手工 新鲜烘烤的商品? Looking for homemade, fresh-baked goods?
那就来位于雷德胡克的特里乡村烘烤坊 Come to Terry's country bake shop in Red Hook.
家庭生活圈杂志的大本营... Home of "family circle's" magazine...
有着迷人的自然风景 With it's stunning natural beauty,
斐济是夫妻理想的度假胜地 Fiji is the ideal holiday tropical paradise for couples.
戴夫 虽然我们过不了 Well, Dave, while we didn't get
期盼已久的白色圣诞节 the white Christmas we were hoping for,
不过大自然给我们准备了礼物 mother nature may have a few tricks up her sleeve.
我们得到预报 We're getting forecasts
今晚十二级风力的暴风雪来袭... of a hurricane-force blizzard coming tonight...
噢 梅根 我出门这么久你没动过啊 Oh, Megan, right where I left you.
- 真乖 - 被你抓了个现行 - How adorable. - You caught me red-handed.
我只是...沉迷于 I'm just... I'm such a sucker
这本经典美式小说 for the classic American novel.
- 糟糕的一天? - 不 只是累坏了 - Bad day? - No, I'm just exhausted.
是的 我明白 我也是 对吧? Yeah, I know, me too, right?
也许是时候...找份工作了 Maybe it's time... To get a job.
你在跟我说... You're telling me...
没错 是的 Yes, I am.
我一直都在找让我满意的工作啊 I look for fulfilling work all the time.
不过每次休息都被你撞见罢了 I just happen to be taking a break whenever you're around.
搞得像被老妈盯着做作业一样 It's like studying when mom is watching.
你跟家里谈租房的事了吗 Did you talk to your parents about the lease?
一号就到期了 Because the deadline's on the first
塞德里克很愿意承租 只要你... and Cedric is willing to take over if you...
嗯 没呢 我还没下决定 yeah, no, I haven't made a decision on that
而且 本质上... yet, per se...
你怎么还没下决定? How did you not make a decision yet?
我说你今天在干嘛? I mean, what did you do today?
这周又在干嘛? What did you do this week?
为圣诞节做准备 I did Christmas.
而且我也开始了网恋 And I also started online dating.
真的吗? Seriously?
是的 没错 闭嘴 Yes, yeah, shut up.
不 我为你骄傲 No, I'm proud.
见过谁了吗? Meet anyone?
我都说了 才开始 I said, started.
我又不是机器 I'm not a machine.
噢 噢 呃 原则上我也觉得 Oh, oh, and, um, I also really like that idea
AA制挺好的 只是 of going Dutch on principle except,
我一毛钱都没有 you know, I don't have any money
所以更多时候只是想想而已 so it's kind of more of an intellectual exercise.
嗨 哇哦 你要去哪里? Hey, whoa, where are you going?
- 你才回家 - 塞德里克的朋友 - You just got home. - Cedric's friend is having this
在酒吧搞生日派对 birthday thing at this bar.
所以你不做饭了? So then you're not cooking dinner?
不做了...是啊 No... yeah.
你要来吗? Do you want to come?
取决于蛋糕的大小了 Well, it kind of depends on the cake situation.
寿星男是单身哦 Well, the birthday boy is single.
虽然不是最耀眼的但很帅 And he's not the brightest but he's pretty,
所以他是一夜情的理想对象 so he's perfect for a one-night stand.
我不知道 I don't know.
- 你觉得我准备好了? - 谁介意? - Do you think I'm ready? - Who cares?
我好了就等你了 I'm ready for you to be ready.
说真的 这样多久了? I mean seriously, how long has it been?
你不饥渴吗? Aren't you horny?
快看 就知道你俩小怪物背着我 Now see, I knew you two little freaks be having
谈这种话题了 these type of conversations when I'm not around.
我早知道了 特别是你 I knew it, especially you.
- 嗨 塞德里克 - 我就知道 逮到你了 - Hi, Cedric. - I knew it, I caught you.
是啊 不 我是饥渴但我也... Well, yes, no, I'm horny but I'm also...
有时 有点懒 Somewhat lazy, sometimes.
两相抵消 像是两个小人在争斗... So the two counteract, like dueling wizards...
不用了 not anymore.
- 今晚就是机会 - 法依扎要卖了我 - Tonight is the night. - Faiza's setting me up.
我认为是本 I'm thinking Ben.
我喜欢那样 很酷 I like that, that's cool.
本 Ben.
- 你好 - 嗨 - Hello. - Hi.
怎么了 What's up?
- 请出示身份证 - 我成年了 - ID please. - I'm a girl.
呃 不 抱歉 你看起来年轻 Uh, no, I'm sorry, you look kinda young.
把这当做赞美 好吗? Take it like a compliment, all right?
- 靠! - 你身份证怎么又丢了? - Shit! - How did you lose your ID again?
你都没出去 You don't go anywhere.
好了 等等 瞧 我年纪够大了 我发誓 Okay, wait, look, I am old enough, I swear.
看见了吗 就在这? Do you see that, right there?
- 它在动 - 噢 天哪 梅根 - It moves. - Oh my God, Megan.
嗨 身份证 Hey, ID.
哦 操 Oh, shit.
尴尬了 Awkward.
嗨 Hey.
我听说你过得不错 I heard you're doing good.
听谁说的? From who?
不知道 我只是... I don't know, I just...
寒暄一下 Said that to be nice.
哦... Oh...
克里斯 我想这女生想勾引你 Chris, I think this girl's trying to get by you.
哦 不 Oh, no.
呃 这是... 这是贝卡 Uh, this is... this is Becca.
贝卡 这是法依扎 塞德里克 和梅根 Becca, this is faiza and Cedric and Megan.
梅根和我 我们有一小段过去 Megan and I, we were together for a bit.
是删减版吗 仅仅那样而已? Is the abridged version, just like that?
你们俩进不进去 You two coming in or what?
很高兴见到你们 Nice to meet you.
很高兴见到你 梅根 Good seeing you, Megan.
我都不想听你们这么说 I don't even want to hear you guys say it.
听着 如果我们知道他要来 Listen, if we knew that he was going to be here
我会给你打预防的 I would have warned you.
形势严重了 我在降级 This is a serious pattern, I am regressing.
去年大学 Last year I was in college
我还是克里斯的未婚妻 and I was Chris's fiancée
在餐馆里喝酒 and I drank wine in restaurants.
而现在整天穿着内衣宅在家 And now I am at home all day in my underwear,
谁也不要我 and I'm nobody's nothing,
甚至都进不了吧 and I can't even get into a bar.
我造什么孽了? What is happening to me?
我越活越回去了! I am going backwards!
我现在越来越像本杰明·巴顿了 I am Benjamin Button-ing!
《返老还童》主人公
他放下了 所以呢 你也可以 He moved on, so what, so can you.
要我说打个出租回家 I say take a cab home,
登录那个约会网 挑个可爱的 get on that dating site, pick a cute guy.
不喝酒 不吃饭 直奔主题 No drinks, no dinner, just a hook-up.
这事可控制不了 You can't order it,
不是想怎么样就怎么样的! it's not edible arrangements!
呃 不 你可以 Uh, yeah, you can.
你有本钱和约炮工具 You have tits and the Internet.
塞德里克 挺我两句 Cedric, back me up.
网络 乳头 Internet, tits.
非常时刻非常手段 Desperate times call for desperate measures.
去拿下他们 母老虎 你可以的... Go get them, tiger, you got this...
是吗? Right?
- 好呀 - 啥事
不 Nope.
好了 Okay.
操 Fuck it.
他放下了 我也可以 He moved on, so can I.
嗨... Hey...
好吧 全部小写 Keeping it lowercase.
随意些 Keeping it casual.
真的吗?! Really?!
好的... 得了吧 Okay... come on.
酒吧太没品 太低端了 The bar is so low, it's so very low.
听起来我像是电脑病毒 I sound like a computer virus.
太棒了 Awesome.
好了 Okay.
我室友要二人世界把我轰走了 I'm about to get sexiled by my roomate.
想来出来聊聊吗? Do you want to hang out?
好啊 去个酒吧怎么样? sure. are you thinking a bar?
其实我想去你那 actually I was thinking your place.
172 克拉森大街 2号公寓 布鲁克林 纽约 172 Classon Ave. Apartment 2. Brooklyn NY.
抱歉回的太快了 假装我想了一会儿 sorry that was too quick. pretend I waited a second.
哎呀 我要从东边过来 一个月后见 eesh, i'm coming from the east village. see you in a month.
哈哈 我会在每个地铁站放好几杯佳得乐给你 haha, i'll have cups of gatorade waiting at each subway stop.
等等! Wait!
噢 靠 Oh, shit.
能视频聊下吗 can we video chat?
当然可以 sure
我想看看你的公寓 i wanna see your apartment
算是心理测试吧 the psycho test
你墙上要是贴有未决的谋杀案的剪报=不行 newspaper clippings about unsolved murders on your wall = no dice
安全第一 Safety first.
完全没问题 等我一下 先把我妈的裙子脱了 totally fair. just give me a minute to take off my mom's dress
mrnovember发起了视频聊天 mrnovember is initiating a video chat
嗨 来了 Hey, there.
噢 哥们 我还很确信的以为会见到 Oh man, I was... I was just so sure that I was gonna see
鸡鸡特写呢 a close-up of a penis.
呃 是的 我也是 Um, yeah, me too.
哇哦 你真的很漂亮 Wow, you are really pretty.
很漂亮 Really pretty.
呃 总之 这就是我 Uh, anyway, so this is me.
好好感受一下吧 这是我的公寓 Soak it in, um, and this is my apartment.
正如你所见 是我的梦幻乐园 As you can see, it's a magical wonderland.
那我通过测试了还是... So do I pass the test or...
呃 是的 我想是的 Um, yes, I think so.
我实际上...从没干过这事 I've actually... I've never done this before.
我也是 Me neither.
不 不 不 不 就如我所知... No, no, no, no, like I know...
我知道大家都这么说 I know that people say that,
但我真的... 没有过 but I really... I haven't, nothing.
我明白 我也是 I know, me either.
噢 好的 呃... Oh, good, um...
好了 我想我们会很快见面? Okay, well, I guess then I will see you soon?
太棒了 That is awesome.
我说 太酷了 真好 我会... I mean, that is cool, sweet, I will...
这事会很愉快的 梅根 that will be a very nice thing to happen, Megan.
到时见 I will see you soon.
好的 Okay.
好 拜 Okay, bye.
难以置信约个炮 I cannot believe I am schlepping to Brooklyn
我要跑去布鲁克林 for a Booty call.
真他妈丢人 That is fucking scandalous.
我想你没关好 I don't think it shut off right.
不 不 是电视声 No, no, the TV.
是... 那是防盗警铃吗? Is that a... is that a burglar alarm?
你穿着外套睡觉的? Did you sleep with your coat on?
是啊 我冷了 Yeah, I get cold.
抓入侵者! Get the intruder!
警报重启 Alarm reset.
误报 False alarm.
哦 真奇怪 Oh, that's so weird.
虽然把我们闹醒挺挫的 It's a bummer that it woke us up though,
但我得走了 but I should get going.
呃... Um...
我过得很愉快 谢谢 I had a great time, thank you.
完美的满足了我的需求 所以... It's, um, perfect for what I needed, so...
好极了 Awesome.
野心不小啊 Ambitious.
你设的那种吧 That's some alarm you got there.
是的 我都忘了定了 Yeah, I don't even remember even setting it...
11:04的闹钟了 For 11:04.
奇怪 Weird.
嗯 早安 梅根 Uh, morning, Megan.
早安 阿莱克斯 Good morning, Alex.
确切说 是阿莱克 It's Alec, actually.
没错啊 Yeah.
- 我说成什么了 - 阿莱克斯 - What'd I say? - Alex.
你刚才怎么说的 再来一遍 Do your way, one more time.
阿莱克 Alec.
名字最后就一个克 It's got a "c" at the end of it.
- 哦 原来如此 - 是啊 - Oh, yeah. - Yeah.
- 没事 - 懂了 不好意思 - It's okay. - Gotcha, sorry.
那个 呃 Well, um...
我玩得挺高兴的 所以 谢谢你让我留宿 I had a blast, so... Thank you for having me.
不客气 You're welcome.
我唯一担心的是告诉我们子孙我俩的相遇时 My only concern is how we're gonna sugarcoat this
该如何粉饰好呢 when we tell our grandkids how we met.
- 是吧 - 是啊 - Right? - Yeah.
我们在过桥时遇见 就这么认识了 We'll cross that bridge when we come to it.
那你要吃点早餐 So do you wanna grab breakfast
还是你就这么照常离开 or do you normally just take off?
照常 Normally?
怎么 Huh?
你说 照常 You said, "normally."
好像 我总是这么照常 Just... like I do this so much that I'd have a normal
或者反常地这么做 and an abnormal version of it?
这其实 呃 我不是这个意思 That's... yeah, that's not what I meant.
我不知道你多久做一次 I have no idea how often you do this.
我跟你说 昨晚是我第一次 I told you last night that this is my first time
这么大老远跑过来 你知道 做这些 doing anything, you know, remotely like this.
我知道 拜托 Yeah, but come on.
拜托 Come on.
什么 What?
梅根 你指望我相信 Megan, do you expect me to believe
这是你第一次玩一夜情吗 this was your first one-night stand ever?
确实啊 Yes!
好吧 不 我的意思是 我来这的唯一目的是 Yeah, no, I mean, the only reason that I am here
因为我室友 is because my roommate,
我被丫个同龄的给挤兑了 she peer-pressured the shit out of me.
她要过二人世界 把你赶出来了 是吧 Yeah, she sexiled you, or whatever, right?
没错 我仍感受到 Exactly, and yet I am sensing
来自你床的另一边的 some distinctly judgey vibes
一些明显的审问共鸣信号 coming from your side of the bed,
想到有团伙合作参与其中就觉得很古怪 which is odd considering the team work involved.
我床的另一边没有什么审问共鸣信号 There's no judgey vibes coming from this side of the bed.
说真的 我很真的很佩服你这么做呢 Honestly, I really admire what you did.
我真希望有更多的女孩能前往 I wish more girls were that forward.
前往 Forward?
就这么又跟荡妇什么的挂钩了 There we go with the slut thing again.
我没说你是个荡妇 I'm not calling you a slut!
我是说你是个女孩 I'm calling you a girl
一个半夜来一个陌生人家过夜的人 who went over to a stranger's house at midnight.
如果真有这么个形容此类人的词 If only there was a word for someone who does that.
哇 你知道个鬼啊 去你的 Wow, you know what, screw you.
开玩笑啦 对不起 对不起 That was a joke, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
是你请我来这的 你只要记住这点 You invited me here, just remember that.
好像不是怎么一回事 That's not quite how it happened
不过算了 but it doesn't matter.
听着 我们能不能只是吃个早餐 Look, can we please just eat breakfast?
我做了笑脸燕麦粥 I make oatmeal with a little smiley face
笑脸是用果酱做的 一点都不淫荡 made out of jelly, and it's not slutty at all.
你知道吗 还是省省你的燕麦粥吧 You know what, save your oatmeal.
我觉得我还是走吧 I think I'm gonna take off.
不过 呃 谢谢留我夜宿 But, um, thanks for having me,
认识你挺好的 it was awesome to get to know you.
祝你幸福 阿莱克斯 Have a nice life, Alex.
好吧 很好 那我就要假设 Okay, cool, well, I'm just gonna assume
这次是故意的 that time was on purpose,
因为我告诉过你我名字是阿莱克没有斯 'cause I told you my name is Alec with a "c"
好几次了吧 like a dozen times.
我不是故意的 但你也不用担心 It wasn't on purpose, but don't worry.
- 不过是个蠢名字 - 好吧 很好 再见 - You just have a stupid name. - Okay, cool, well, bye.
跟你做爱挺愉快 It was lovely having sex with you!
呃 我要是也能说同样的话就好了 Aw, I wish I could say the same.
嗯 听起来你昨晚也挺享受的嘛 Hmm, sounded like you had a pretty good time last night.
你知道吗 You know what?
别听到的什么都信 Don't believe everything you hear.
尤其是 比如 嘿 阿莱克 这名字不错 Especially when it's something like, "hey, Alec, cool name."
什么玩意啊 What is that?
听起来就是打草稿用的名字 It sounds like the first draft of a name!
- 好吧 滚你的 梅根 - 你才滚你的 - Okay, fuck you, Megan. - Fuck you, back.
啊 好吧 Ah, okay.
怎么回事 What?
嗷 靠 Ow, shit!
想象一个天使孔般的沉睡小天使 Imagine a sleeping little angel-faced angel...
不对 我才是天使 No, I'm the angel.
而这个天使被一个辣妹身材 And this angel is being woken up
恶狗心肠的人给吵醒了 by a fucking junkyard dog in a hot-girl body!
好吧 这就是我早上的写照 Okay, and that's my morning.
听着 我不能 呃 妈 Look, I can't... uh, mom.
我之后再打给你 I will call you back.
嗨 看啊 这是阿莱克 是吧 Hi there, it's Alec, right?
嗯 Hmm...
怎么了 外面下小雪了 What is it, a little snow outside?
呃 是啊 Yeah, hmm.
嗯 纽约客们 Well, new yorkers...
我不想说你们这些人真是弱爆了 I don't want to say that you guys are pussies
但说正经的 你真该去看看 but seriously, you should see what
明尼苏达州的冬天是什么样的 a winter in Minnesota looks like.
我给你叫辆出租车 I'll get you a cab.
我靠 这么大雪 Holy shit, that is a lot of snow!
- 嗯 - 嗯 - Hmm. - Hmm.
嗯 Hmm.
哇 Wow.
嘿 各位 我希望你没计划 Hey, folks, I hope you aren't planning
出行事宜 on going anywhere anytime soon
因为要告诉你们一件 'cause let me tell you something,
始料未及的事情 好吗 it ain't gonna happen, okay?
我们遭遇史上最严重的雪灾 We are seeing record snowfalls!
仅仅一晚上时间 This thing came in overnight
并把整个纽约城给染白 and has New York City in a total whiteout!
我们要告诉数以万计 We're talking about tens of thousands
受困的假期出游的朋友们 of stranded holiday travelers.
整座城的交通系统已经瘫痪 The entire city transit system is shut down.
街道积雪无法清除 The streets have not even been ploughed.
市长办劝诫各位待在室内 The mayor's office is urging people to stay indoors
避免所有不必要的外出 and to avoid all nonessential travel.
让你自己舒服点 各位 So get cozy, folks,
这将会是个漫长周末 because it's going to be a long weekend.
法依扎 你得做点什么 Faiza, you have to do something,
我不能待这 I cannot stay here.
这太糟糕了 This is the worst.
亲爱的 你有看新闻吗 Sweetie, are you even watching the news?
我们什么都做不了啊 There's nothing we can do.
这不是很好吗 see how nice this is?
每天都这样 This could be every day.
但塞德里克不是救护技术人员吗 他不是可以 But Cedric's an EMT, can he like...
开个直升机什么的把我带出去吗 Helicopter me out of here or something?
哈 Ha!
是塞德里克吗 Is that Cedric?
- 塞德里克在笑我吗 - 不 不 不 - Is Cedric laughing at me? - No, no, no, no, no.
好吧 尽量保持最佳状态 Okay, just make the best of it
我们会尽快来救你的 行不 我保证 and we'll rescue you as soon as we can, okay, I promise.
不 不 不 我不能待这 No, no, no, no, I would not be here
如果你不能把我带出去 if you did not slut me out!
对不起 我听不到 Sorry, I can't hear you.
什么 What?
我想这雪 干扰 I think the snow is messing with the...
到了 到了卫星 with the sat... satellite.
- 好吧 再见 - 再见 - Okay, bye. - Bye.
法依扎 Faiza!
抓紧了 Grab that ass!
这场暴风几乎要覆盖 This storm is literally going to dump
整整三个州的区域 all over the tristate area.
三至五英尺厚的雪 也许更厚 Three to five feet of snow, maybe more.
在波科诺山还有卡兹奇山 In the poconos and the catskills,
积雪最深可以达到十二英尺 we're talking up to 12 feet of snow.
这是全球有史以来最大的暴风雪 It's the biggest blizzard in the history of the world.
这就是我活该 是赎罪 This is what I deserve, it's penance.
哇 这是我的燕麦粥接受的 Wow, that is officially the worst review
最糟糕的评价 my oatmeal has ever received.
这是我自找的麻烦 It's what I get for slutting it up.
呃 你真认为是老天爷制造这场暴风雪 Um, so you really think God made this blizzard
来惩罚你的淫荡 to punish you for being slutty?
没有 我不认为是老天爷干的 No, I don't think God did it.
这太可笑了 That's ridiculous.
我觉得是我奶奶干的 I think my grandmother did,
但我不知道她是怎么干的 and I just don't know how.
好吧 说得过去 Right, that makes sense.
嗯 我不想跟你在接下来的二十四小时 Well, I would prefer not to spend the next 24 hours
都在让人不快的沉默中度过 in an uncomfortable silence with you,
我们为何不假装我们没有发生过性关系 so why don't we just pretend that we never had sex?
从没发生过 It didn't happen.
然后假装只是因为天气 And then we can pretend that it's just the weather
而不是你那冷漠好斗的魔幻奶奶干的 and not your passive-aggressive magical grandma.
不可能 就如同把试着把 No, that's like trying to get
牙膏再挤回牙膏管里 你做不到 the toothpaste back into the tube... you can't do it.
事实摆在眼前 It is out there.
我见识过你那活 I have seen your penis.
你也暗示我是个荡妇 You've implied I'm a slut.
都是大问题 Those are big things.
你是说我那活很大 Did you just call my penis big?
呃 不 不 我没说 Uh, no, no, I did not.
我用隐喻方式说你那活大 I called the implication of your penis big.
嗯 还是很中听 Well, it's still nice to hear.
你不能只是 You can't just...
抹去我们有过性关系的事实 Erase the fact that two people had sex.
我觉得你低估我们了 I think you underestimate us.
嗨 我叫阿莱克 Hi, I'm Alec.
我叫梅根 I'm Megan.
梅根 非常高兴见到你 Megan, it's very nice to meet you.
呃 你是做什么的 Um, what do you do for a living?
哦 老天 我们 我们真要这么做吗 Oh, Jesus, that... that's what we're doing?
拜托不要 Uh, no.
我很认真的 好不 Seriously, already?
- 我们才开始呢 - 嗯哼 - We just started. - Mm-hmm.
嗯哼 好吧 Hmm, okay.
我们正非常密切关注情况的发展 We are monitoring the situation very closely.
目前有三个州的交通 We're experiencing massive shutdowns
大面积瘫痪 all over the tristate area.
包括达切思郡 哈伦郡 That includes Dutchess County, Harlan County,
布朗森郡 米的布鲁克郡 Bronson County, Middlebrook County...
孟莫斯郡 Monmouth County...
哇 时间过得真快啊 Wow, how the time flies.
波普基西市 蒙托克市 ... Poughkeepsie... Montauk...
宾 宾 宾厄姆顿 Bing... Bing...Binghamton,
新帕尔茨 New Paltz.
呃 新帕尔茨 Uh, New Paltz.
纽约首府在哪 What's the capital of New York?
好吧 再试试 但要有规则 All right, we'll try again, but there are rules.
不许问无聊的问题 No upsetting questions.
我不明白这是无聊的问题 I didn't realize it was one.
你刚才就是这么做的 Well, now you do.
好吧 我努力尝试想出一些 Okay, I am trying very hard to think of a question
不会被理解为无聊的问题 that could in no way be construed as upsetting.
你喜欢狗吗 Do you like dogs?
这个问题不那么让人心烦 是的 Perfectly non-upsetting question, good job... yes.
我喜欢狗 I like dogs.
我也是 Me too.
用一下洗手间 I have to use the restroom.
批准了 That's allowed.
这是什么 What?
你会在网上遇到的五种女孩
崩坏的女孩? Damaged?
我这就让你见识见识 You don't know me.
你有耳机吗 Do you... possibly have headphones?
谢谢 Thank you.
梅根? Um, Megan?
出什么事啦 What happened?
我还想问你呢 Uh, what happened, you happened.
那是咋回事 What is that?
妈呀 God!
别担心 我去看看 Don't worry about it, I'll take care of it.
别 千万别 你就... No, no, no, no, you just...
就呆那儿 你清理不干净 you step away, you are not cleaning that up.
只会弄得更糟 你先回你房间 You will just hold it over my head, go to your room.
我能搞定 I can handle this.
好恶心 Gross.
好冷 好恶心 It's cold and gross.
水关不住 It just keeps coming.
嘿 你得把水闸关了 Hey, you gotta turn the knob!
我这是糟的什么罪啊 No, I mean the punishments from the universe.
这简直就是水灾 It's a flood, it's practically biblical.
你的马桶塞在哪 Where the fuck is your plunger?
应该就在... 额... It should be right next to the, um...
啊 我去 我朋友借走了 Ah, shit, I let my buddy borrow my plunger, dammit.
这就是永远不要借给朋友马桶塞的原因 That's why you never let your friends borrow plungers.
谁会把马桶塞借别人 There's like a thousand reasons.
听着 关上门 Look, just shut the door.
我过会儿会处理 I'll deal with it later.
嘿 我有个想法 能让我们舒服点 Hey, I just thought of an idea that could fix everything.
要来抽点儿吗? Do you wanna get high?
我也不想 我就试你一下 Yeah, me neither, that was just a test.
看你是不是警察 Didn't know if you were a cop.
我要去吸点儿 嗨一下 Yep, I'm going to do it, I'm gonna get high.
你不介意吧? You don't care, do you?
你的地盘 Your apartment.
提前告诉你一声 I'm warning you though,
你会觉得我很酷的 you're about to think that I'm really cool.
我一个兄弟自己做的 My buddy made it.
不知道你看的出来不 他抽了不少 I don't know if you can tell, but he smokes a lot of pot.
我希望他发挥下想象力 I try to encourage his creativity.
我觉得很适合你 No, I think it fits you.
抱歉 我应该开窗户的 但是 你知道... Sorry, I'd open a window, but, you know...
就你这德行活该没女友 It is a mystery why you don't have a girlfriend.
嘿 我可是很抢手的 Hey, I'm a catch.
我赌一百五十块 你会孤独终老 I'll bet you 150 bucks you're gonna die alone.
我死后 我火辣的老婆 Well, my future smoking-hot widow
会很乐意收到你的钱 will gladly accept your money.
嘿 你可以吸一口试下 Hey, I'm just saying, you could afford to
没什么大不了的 take the edge off a little bit.
也许对你会有好处呢 It could be good for you.
你应该尝试下 You should embrace it.
我以前抽过 I've gotten high before.
又不是和我 Not with me.
好吧 Fine.
抽完后说不定看你顺眼点 It better make you funnier.
没错 抽一口 Yeah, smoke that shit.
你之前不是问我 我是做什么的吗 So earlier you asked what I did for a living
我有点烦躁 and I kinda got a little feisty.
你 烦躁? You, feisty?
一点都没有 Can't picture it.
我的回答就是... Well, the answer is...
我现在正在失业中 I am less-than-employed at the moment.
我什么也没做 I don't do anything.
如果是去年 我会说 See, last year I was able to say,
"我是个医学院的预科生" "I'm a premed student,"
听起来很不错 是吗 which sounds kind of impressive, right?
然后 我毕业了 But then I graduated
我不能再透露更多了 and I'm not allowed to say it anymore.
哦... Um...
你的简介里面是不是就写着医学院预科生 I think your profile said premed student.
是 不是 我只是还没改罢了 Yeah, no, I just haven't changed it yet.
你不是两天前写的个人信息吗 Didn't you make the profile like two days ago?
诡异 That's weird.
干嘛 审问我吗 What is this, like an interrogation?
你有什么秘密吗 You got something to hide?
没有 我就是... No, I just...
如果一个人的状态可以分等级 I think I'm just in that limbo phase.
我现在应该在地狱阶段 It's not like your degree has instructions on it.
伻... Well... boom!
全垒打 世界冠军 Home run, twins win the world series!
你打球的水准确实是个预科生 Well, your degree did say premed,
那你接下来有什么打算吗 so you would think something follows that.
什么声音 What was that?
哼 Hmm.
额... So...
如果你不喜欢医学 Why did you major in premed
干嘛要去念医学 if you didn't want to go into medicine?
我总是想换个专业 I always thought I'd change it,
但不知不觉就毕业了 but then I graduated.
就这样 Whoops.
怎么会这样 Wait, how does that happen?
不知不觉就这样了 Easier than you would think.
那你是做什么的 What do you do for a living?
我在银行上班 I work at a bank.
不错啊 Fancy.
银行家 Banking.
不 就是个小职员 No, just bank.
我是个助理经理 I'm an assistant manager.
像你这样的人怎么混进这么... How does someone like you get into something that's so...
激烈的行业的 Wildly exciting?
- 没错 - 没错 - Yes. - Yes.
不知道 我的意思是 I don't know, I mean, you know, like,
当你只有十七岁 when you're 17 and...
你就只想看看外面的世界 You just want to get out there and show the world
干一番大事业 everything that you have to offer,
告诉所有人自己行 because you have all this stuff to say?
我不知道那是什么感觉 I don't know what that feels like.
不知道 I don't know.
我从不认为自己需要一番事业 I never felt like I needed a job to define my life.
你喜欢你的工作吗 Do you like your job?
什么时候一个人必须得喜欢自己的工作了 Since when are you supposed to like your job?
我认为我们这代人 I think our generation
对此有很大的误解 catastrophically misunderstands that.
有意思 Interesting.
忘了拿吃的了 我回去拿 I forgot the food, I'm going back for it.
恩? 不用 不用 Huh? No, no, no.
让我来 Please, allow me.
你真是让我惊讶 Now, I am impressed.
你就像个万能管家 却是个地毯 'Cause it's like a Butler that is also a rug.
这个管家什么都有就是没有地毯 For the man who has everything except a rug.
我以前在大学的时候也抽过水烟 You know, I used to smoke back in college.
一年夏天 我撞见我父母在抽水烟 But one summer, I walked in on my parents
还边看意大利色情电影 smoking out of a vaporizer and watching Italian porn.
天哪 Oh my God.
大概就是他们让我没有想要再抽的欲望了 Which is kind of the greatest antidrugs psa of all time.
屌 That is awesome!
有点恶心 但是... Kinda gross, but...
长大后 It is funny. Growing up...
我所有朋友的父母都离婚了 All of my friends' parents were divorced, you know?
但我父母 他们总是那么.. 甜蜜 But mine, they were always... so happy.
那种腻死人的甜蜜 They were just so disgustingly happy.
让人羡慕的要死 It's a lot to live up to.
看着他们我就觉得自己很糟糕 I think it kinda messed me up.
我父母也没有离婚 My parents are still married too.
他们真行 Good for them. What?
我小的时候 Yeah, when I was a kid
总希望他们离婚 I used to wish that they'd get divorced
因为我的朋友们因为父母离了婚 'cause I was jealous of all my friends
可以过两个圣诞节 who got to have two Christmas's.
- 怎么了 - 你最好把它关了 - What? - You should turn this off.
你不喜欢这首歌吗 You don't like this song?
不是 我非常喜欢 Oh, no, I love this song.
但听到它会让我想跳舞 It's gonna make me wanna dance.
那就跳啊 Yes, you should.
- 不跳 - 跳 - No. - Yes.
你不会想看的 Trust me.
你跳的很糟吗 Oh, are you like a bad dancer?
才不是 Oh, no.
才不是呢 No, no, no.
我跳的非常好 但是 I am an epic dancer, but you see...
如果我开始跳起来 See, if you see me dance
你就会像个小狗一样围着我转 you'll follow me around like a little puppy dog
那样会让我们都很尴尬 and it'll be embarrassing for us both.
所以你就呆在这儿 So you have to stay here.
相信我 我是为你安全着想 For your own safety, trust me on that one.
额 Okay, um...
我想说 So I would just like to
我们面临一个迫切的问题 frame the next question in the context that
我没有把这些垃圾食品当饭吃的习惯 my diet doesn't normally consist of junk food.
以这个为前提 And with that in mind
假如... hypothetically... Yeah?
如果有人要用一下厕所 ...if one were to need to make use of a bathroom
他会怎么做 how might one do that
在这种特殊的情况下 in these special circumstances?
不准笑 Stop smiling.
额 Uh...
这个问题不错 That's actually a great question.
你的邻居是那种怪咖吗 Are these your creepy neighbors?
你是怪咖吗 Are you the creepy neighbor?
你绝对是那种怪咖邻居 You're totally the creepy neighbor.
嘿 洛潘太太 我是阿莱克 Hey, Mrs. Lopan, it's Alec.
我想借用你家的马桶塞 I just really need to borrow your plunger.
我有急用 It's kind of an emergency.
那不会是他们家的邮箱吧 That wouldn't happen to be their mailbox, would it?
就是他家的 Oh, yeah, you know what,
他们家人估计去度假了 they're probably away for the holidays.
你刚才是不是在偷笑 You did not just laugh.
- 很搞笑嘛 - 你看着我的脸 - It's kind of funny. - Do you see this face?
我都要抓狂了 This is my panic face.
严肃点儿 Do we understand?
- 抱歉 - 行了 - Yeah. - Okay.
- 我会严肃点的 - 那就好 - We do. - Good.
别害怕 Okay, have no fear.
我会想到办法的 你可以依靠我 The trusty coat hanger is here to save the day.
哦 是么 我打赌你对所有女生说过这句话 Aw, shucks, I bet you say that to all the girls.
别磨洋工了 We're kind of on a clock here.
我是说 还有别的解决方案 I mean, there's a plan "b,"
不过得去外头 but it might sound kind of out there.
- 现在不是寻开心的时候 - 正是时候啊 - We are not getting high again. - Yes, we are.
好吧 我只是开个玩笑 No, I'm just kidding.
这幢楼的窗户关不紧的 The windows of this building, they don't really work right.
所以我们可以先爬出窗户 再爬到屋顶上 So we can go out the window, climb up to the roof
转到另一边去 go to the other side
然后穿过洛潘家的消防通道进去 and then get in through the Lopans' fire escape.
好的 Okay.
或许你应该一个人去 Maybe just you should do this.
我才不要一个人闯空门 I'm not breaking and entering alone!
这些都是为了你啊 The whole reason we're doing this is for you.
为什么你会有这个? Why do you have that?
是我奶奶留给我的 My grandmother left it to me.
好了 要吐槽就吐槽她吧 Yup, all style complaints go to her.
了解 唔 真好 I see, mm-hmm, sweet.
让我们放手一搏 Let's do this.
人要懂得变通 是不?! You couldn't just shit in the sink, huh?!
怎么了?! What's wrong?!
窗户被冻住了! It's frozen shut!
开不了! It won't budge!
我们要往回走 We gotta go back.
没有回头路了! There is no turning back!
哇! Whoa!
- 你干什么?! - 走 走 走! - What the fuck?! - Go, go, go!
你开什么玩笑? Are you kidding me?
嘿 你疯了? Hey, are you fucking insane?
- 我不得不赔钱了 - 没办法嘛 - I'm going to have to pay for that! - I had to!
他们会理解的 They will totally understand.
听着 你就是个十足的破坏狂 Look, you are a ruiner.
我才不是! I am not a ruiner!
抱歉 我要尿尿 很急 Sorry, I gotta pee, I had to.
你能理解我 你懂的 You understand, you understand.
不 不 不 不 不... No, no, no, no, no...
你就是个不折不扣的混蛋! You are an asshole in so many languages!
你能理解的 You understand.
哦 耶 尿得太爽了 Oh yeah, this pee feels so good.
哎呀 抱歉 误报 Whoops, sorry, false alarm.
哦 是吗? Oh, yeah?
哦 老天... Oh, God...
我只是想让你知道 Just so you know,
现在开始我也会对你保持沉默 I'm giving you the silent treatment too.
不知道你是否能理解 I just didn't know if you could tell
但我还是要告诉你 and I wanted you to know.
嘿 我想我们终于能解决 Hey, I think we've solved the mystery
马桶堵塞问题了 of the clogged toilet.
等等 什么? Wait, what?
不 我说过我会清理的! No, I told you I would do that!
- 这是什么? - 不 什么都不是 - What is this? - No, it's nothing.
- 你在做什么? 真恶心 - 给我 - What are you doing? That's gross. - Give it back.
梅根 这在马桶里 很恶心 好吗? Megan, this was in a toilet, that's gross, okay?
如果你不知道该读什么书 If you had a problem with the reading material
你可以跟我说 you could have just said something.
只是一篇愚蠢的文章 It's just some stupid article.
其实它并不愚蠢 It wasn't stupid, though.
很精确 It was spot-on.
太悲哀了 太悲哀了... How pathetic is that, it's so pathetic...
你真觉得我的名字 Do you really think my name
听起来像是随便取的吗? sounds like the first draft of a name?
是的 Yeah.
不过取的很好 Like a good first draft, you know?
已经很接近一个真正的名字了 Like it's really close.
你真的是假装的么? And did you really fake it?
你指什么? What are you talking about?
昨晚 Last night.
你知道 昨晚你还在 You know, when you were making
发出海妖一般的 what I would describe as like
愉悦的呻吟声 banshee-esque screams of pleasure,
然而到了今天早晨 and then this morning,
你又在质疑这件事的真实性了? you called into question their authenticity?
所以... So...
就像这样 嘿 就让我们假装 What happened to like, "hey, let's just pretend
昨晚什么也没发生吧 we never had sex?"
好 我忘记了 Yeah, I'm over that.
你为什么又要提起这件事? Why are you even thinking about this again?
我从来没有忘记这件事 I haven't stopped thinking about it.
哦 好吧 我之前说了些 Oh, all right, well, see, I just said those things
伤人的话 to hurt your feelings
是因为你先说了伤我的话 知道吗? because you hurt mine, you know?
好吧 我可不买账 我认为女人 Yeah, I don't really buy that because I think women
在伤人的时候 are most honest actually when they're trying
都是很诚实的 to hurt somebody's feelings.
好吧 Fine.
但是这绝不是第一次 But this can't be the first time
有女人跟你假装高潮 that a woman's faked it for you.
哦 确实是 Uh, definitely was.
你让你前任高潮 嗯? You made your ex come, huh?
唔 对 差不多每次都是 Mm-hmm, yep, pretty much all the time.
是吗 这么频繁? Yeah, that often?
她的高潮在你的之前还是之后? And did she come before or after you?
通常我们... Usually we...
我们是同时高潮的 We would come simultaneously.
- 同时 - 是吗 是吗? - At the same time. - Yeah, yeah?
- 我很认真的告诉你 是真的 - 胡扯 - I'm telling you, it's true. - Bullshit.
这很伤人 That's mean.
不 没什么好惭愧的 No, it's nothing to be ashamed of either,
这确实很难 it's really hard to do.
对男生来说很容易 这只是 For guys it's so easy, it's just, you know,
这只是一种摩擦 it's just friction.
但对女生来说 这其中有一堆难以捉摸的感受 But for girls there's a whole lot of intangibles down there.
我们假装高潮也很不好受 And it's bad that we fake it.
这对你 对双方来说都不起作用 It's not good for you, it doesn't help us.
也无法帮助后面的女孩 It doesn't help the next girl.
哦 但是你确实是接吻高手 Oh, but you're a really great kisser.
对了 你的节奏掌握得很对 只是... Yeah, you've got that down pat, it's just...
- 我用手练了很多次 - 其他方面的问题 - Practice on my hand a lot. - ...the other stuff.
- 很多 - 但是我确实很享受 - lot. - But I had a good time.
好吧 Okay.
好 让我们好好聊聊这个 Well, yeah, let's talk about this.
所以 什么 呃... So, what, uh...
对了 我哪里做的不好? Yeah, what did I do wrong?
好吧 不是因为你做得不好 Okay, it's not about what you did wrong,
只是关于两人如何保持同步 it's just how people sync up.
如何相互契合 You know, how they fit together.
唔 我们不同步么? Mm-hmm, and we didn't sync up well?
你说呢? Do you think we did?
好吧 这是我们的第一次 会尴尬 Well, you know, it's the first time, it's awkward.
不知道该说什么 You don't know what to say,
不知道抚摸的是什么 you don't know what you're touching.
很尴尬 It's awkward.
这在第一次后也无法改变 It's not like that changes after the first time.
我是说 Well, I mean eventually
我们最终会了解对方的喜好 但是... they learn what you like more, but...
你永远也无法对此畅所欲言 You can never talk about it openly
因为男人太敏感了 'cause guys are so sensitive.
提一点小小的建议就会让男人们爆发 Suggesting just the tiniest thing and it freaks them out
因为他们觉得你每次都一直在想这个 because then they think you've been thinking that every time,
他们会为你没有早点说出来而抓狂 and then they get mad that you didn't say something earlier
而你没有早点说出来 and you didn't say something early
是因为太快结束了 because it would have been too soon.
所以唯一能做的就是 So the only thing that there is to do
训练他们辨别不同程度的呻吟声 is train them to recognize different levels of moans
但又不让他们发现你是在假装 without them realizing you're doing it.
经验之谈 In my experience.
哇 Wow.
这确实有用 It works.
或者这只是我的情况 Or maybe it's just me.
不 这就像野营 No, it's like camp, you know?
你去野营 你必须和一个搭档一起完成活动 You go and you have to do this activity with a partner
但是你又不能说什么 but you can't say anything
所以磕磕碰碰完成了 so you're just kinda stumbling your way through it.
对 就像野营 Yeah, it's just like camp.
- 你都参加什么样的野营? - 一团糟 - What camp did you go to? - Holy shit.
我刚想到个好主意 I just had a great idea.
你觉得呢 我们俩? Do you feel it, the two of us?
现在是个好机会 It's a pretty good opportunity right now.
什么... 什么意思? What... what is?
现在... 在这儿 This... right here.
- 我不... - 你能理解么? - I'm not... - You don't get it?
好吧 听我说 我们被困了 Okay, look, listen to me, so we're trapped.
我们现在就像在进行一个难以置信的实验 We're like this incredible experiment right now,
我们就是实验小白鼠 we're lab rats.
我们上过床 但是我们对彼此 We've had sex, but we don't have feelings
都没有感情 不是吗? for each other, right?
当雪消散后 你就走了 And as soon as that snow clears, you're gone.
就像远走墨西哥 Like Mexico-gone.
我们没有共同的朋友 We don't know any of the same people,
所以我们以后也不会再见了 so we're probably never going to see each other again.
是的 Yes.
所以我们可以利用这次机会坦诚相见 So we can use this time to be honest with each other,
给对方建议 and we can give each other advice
和建设性的批评 and constructive criticism to make each other
使双方成为下一个对象的 better lovers
更好的爱人 for the next person that comes along.
好 首先 你不能用"爱人"这个词 Okay, firstly, you cannot pull off the word "lovers."
我觉得可以 I think I can.
第二 你的提议有潜在的... Secondly, what you are proposing is potentially...
这很可怕... 很糟糕 it's a horrible... it sucks.
这是个烂注意... 不是... 什么? It's a bad idea... don't... what?
你开什么玩笑? Are you kidding me?
- 这是我想到的最棒的注意 - 这很烂 - This is the best idea I've ever had! - That's so sad!
听着 梅根 Look, Megan, listen,
你不能只是引起我的恐慌 就像 you can't just like drop a bomb on me like,
"嘿 也许你这一生都从来没有 "hey, maybe you've never made
让一个女孩真正的高潮过" a girl come in your entire fucking life,"
然后又说你不想谈论这个 and then say you don't want to talk about it.
我想谈论 I wanna talk.
男生在这件事上是没法处理建设性的批评的 Guys can't handle constructive criticism about that stuff.
你会很恼火... You'll get all pissy...
不会 no.
我向你保证 如果你没有恼火我是不会恼火的 I promise you that I will not get pissy if you don't.
你说如果我不会恼火是什么意思? What do you mean if I don't?
哦 你觉得这种事情 Oh, did you think this was just like
是单向的么 或是这之类的? a one-way street, or something?
你觉得你可以指导我? You think you have pointers for me?
好吧... Well...
对 我想到了一两点 但是... Yeah, a thing or two crossed my mind, but...
我猜你永远也不会知道 不是吗? I guess you'll never know, will you?
老天 好 成交 说吧 Jesus, fine, all right, I bite, go.
好 很好 非常好 Okay, great, this is good.
现在 不光是你 Now, this is not just you.
我也想了解清楚 I want to make that clear.
呃 好 先说关灯 Um, okay, the lights-off thing.
现在的问题是 What the fuck is that?
如果按你的要求关了灯 If the lights are off, like you requested
我很绅士地接受了 and I so gentlemanly obliged,
我可以和任何东西做爱 一点不夸张 I could be having sex with anything, literally.
但我并不想这样 But I don't want to be having sex with anything.
我只想和你做 I wanna be having sex with you.
不是特别指你 而是一般概念的你们 Not you specifically, but like the universal you.
要开着灯吗? Lights on?
所有男人都喜欢这样? All guys feel that way?
我只能说我和我的朋友们的确如此 I can only speak for me and my friends, but yeah.
女孩们听这个比听到你好还多 Duh, girls hear that more than hello.
这就是你的想法? That's what you got?
我只想说我们正年轻 All I'm saying is that we're young
我们是潮人 and we're hot-looking people,
我们应该享受现在拥有的 and we should embrace that shit while we have it.
好吧! All right, fine!
男人喜欢开着灯做 Guys like to do it with the lights on.
记住了 很好 很令人震惊 Noted, awesome, shocked.
- 你还有什么想法 - 你还想知道更多 - What else you got? - Do you want more?
- 还有吗? - 是的 有 Do you have more? Yeah, I do.
好吧 额... Okay, um...
你还做哪些我不喜欢的事? What else do you do that I don't like?
你就像这样 Okay, yeah, you do this thing
从床上站起来 where you stand up from the bed
就像要半路撤退 and you kind of turn halfway around
然后以最快的速度脱掉衣服 and then you get undressed as fast as you can all at once
像是你已经准备好了 and it's like you're getting ready
从身体以及其他方面 for a physical or something.
从来没有人对我脱衣服快抱怨过 I have never had any complaints about how rapidly I undress.
- 大部分人喜欢我的裸体 - 我喜欢你裸体 - Most guys like naked me. - I love naked you.
裸体的你看着很棒 让人向往 Naked you is awesome to look at and touch.
我是想说 What I mean is that you could make
你可以脱的更... the getting-naked-there part a little like...
怎么了? What's up? Boop.
然后你把你的内衣脱掉一边 Then you take your bra off the side.
甚至可以想象有根钢管 You could even imaginary pole,
就拿着它 用它拍打 just bring it, smack it.
- 把它掉在地上... - 哦 上帝啊! - Bring it down... - Oh God!
再捡起来 Bring it up.
用你的内衣做些臀部运动 Do the little ass thing with your underwear.
我掉东西了 我的短裤 Hey, I dropped something, my panties.
你可以轻轻晃着它 You can flick it up.
你可以抓着它 You could catch it.
之后我不介意你怎么做 Then I don't care what you do with it.
实际上那并不糟糕 Actually that wasn't terrible.
你应该穿上高跟鞋试一试 You should put on heels and try it.
你说的对 那样有点奇怪 Yeah, you're right, this is weird.
不不不 完成了男性的雄起 No, no, no, man-up, finish.
只是为猛攻做好了准备 Just get ready for an onslaught.
听起来对我的建设性批评完全没兴趣 Okay, that definitely didn't sound like it was in the vein
尽管如此 我还是要继续 of constructive criticism but I will continue, nonetheless.
听着 所有的... Look, all...
所有男人都喜欢脱衣服 I'm saying is that guys like undressing.
你可以把它变得更... And you could make it more of a... thing.
好吧 好吧 Okay. Okay.
最后 当我进去之后 Lastly, when I was inside of you,
你开始这样... you started doing this thing...
你开始自己来 you started helping yourself a little bit
让我感觉我坐在了板凳上 and it kind of made me feel like I was being benched.
- 成了替补队员 - 记下了 - Second string. - Noted.
- 好吧 - 牢记了 - Okay. - Duly noted.
- 到我了吗? - 是的 - Is it my turn? - Yeah.
永远不要那样 Don't ever do that.
好的 Okay.
大家都这么觉得 That's the international thing.
我不知道谁最开始教了人们 Okay, I don't know who first taught guys
用"舌头念字母"这种事 to do the "alphabet with their tongue" thing,
但这让我感觉我就是海伦·凯乐 but it kind of makes me feel like I'm Helen Keller
正在和她的老师做爱 being fucked by her teacher.
女人不喜欢这样? And that is not a fantasy of yours?
曾经有一刻 在前戏的时候 There was a moment, one moment during foreplay
我正要高潮 in which I was maybe close to coming.
我想我正要为你高潮 And I believe I subtly pointed this out for you.
你记得我说的话吗? Do you remember what it was that I said?
- "我要高潮了" - 没错 - "I'm close to coming." - Yes, uh-huh.
我说完之后 And then after I said that,
你改变了方式 you switched up what you were doing.
你是怎么想的? Just what was your thought process there?
老实说 Um, I mean, honestly,
我正在做收尾动作 I thought I was doing like a finishing move.
有点像"真人快打"那种 Kind of like a "Mortal Kombat" thing like,
"了结了她!" "finish her!"
好像是做对了 但... And like really hit it, but...
我以为我在做那样的事 I thought I was doing something like that.
那并不... It's not...
下次 Next time, just, you know,
只要继续你之前的动作就好 keep on doing what it was that you were doing
因为你上了三垒 because you got her to third
之后就可以本垒打了 and you can get her home.
好吧 Okay.
你没必要等我来给你脱衣服 You waited for me to undress you, which is unnecessary
而且有点奇怪 and also a little weird
我不是你妈妈 要哄你上床 because I'm not your mom tucking you into bed.
你总是要留唇印 You kept trying to give me hickeys,
没人喜欢那样 which nobody likes.
你总是进展的太快 Oh, and you went like way too fast,
像是在我身上榨取石油 like you were drilling me for oil.
我的整个身体就好像"吱吱吱...” You know, like my whole body was like, "zzhh-zzhh-zzhh..."
然后... 你的确找到了我的敏感区 And then... oh, oh, you did find my g-spot,
就像疾驰一样 很酷 but kind of like a drive-by, which was cool,
但是你一直这样 but then you kept going.
我很想你停下 And I so wanted you to stop.
好吧 Oh, okay, all right.
女孩主动一些 When a girl is helping herself,
这是件好事 that's a good fucking thing.
我的前任那方面也很奇怪 就像... My ex was weird about that too, and it's...
我们不是在日本的色情竞赛节目里 it's not like we're competing on some
进行竞赛 awesome erotic Japanese game show;
我们在做爱 we are having sex.
要有团队意识 You know, like, embrace the team spirit.
昨晚 我们完事之后 Oh, and last night, when we were done,
你挪到了床的另一边 you retreated to the other side of the bed
像是你在那埋了颗炸弹 like you planted a bomb down there.
下次你要抓着女孩的手 So next time, just hold the girl,
数到十 count to like ten.
这会大有帮助 It'd go a long way, that one.
以后你会感谢我的 You can thank me later.
除了这些 Other than those things,
你是个完美称职的爱人 you were a perfectly adequate lover.
称职 谢谢 Adequate, wow, thank you.
称职并不是真正的... Adequate's not really...
- 我就知道会这样 - 一句恭维话而已 - See, I knew this would happen. ...- a compliment.
- 我告诉你了个坏主意 - 很好 - I told you this was a bad idea. - That's cool.
这是个好主意 我很好 It's a fine idea, I'm good.
我就像聚四氟乙烯 什么都粘不住我 I'm like teflon, baby, nothing sticks to me.
我们应该看看新闻 We should totally check out the news though
看看进展如何 for some updates.
如你所见 暴风雪来了 As you can see, this storm is showing
没有任何减小的迹象! no signs of slowing down!
如果你想看东西 I want you to look at something.
我身后是帝国大厦 Behind me is the empire state building,
但你根本看不见 but you can't see it.
你只能看到雪花 All you can see is snow.
我和你赌150块 I bet you a 150 bucks
里克·瑞恩斯现在已经勃起了 Rick Raines is fully erect right now.
难以置信 它就像消失了... It's like an incredible disappearing act...
很有趣 That's funny.
好吧 我听到有人说 帝国大厦实际上 Okay, I'm hearing that that's actually not where
可能不在这 但这向你们展示了... the empire state building is, but it does show you the...
我洗个澡怎么样? Is it cool if I take a shower?
不好 No.
是的 很好 Yes, it's fine.
毛巾在... 地板上 The towels are... On the floor.
里克·瑞恩斯在纽约城市街道为您播报 Reporting from the streets of New York City, I'm Rick Raines.
我刚挂断与地方办公室的通话 I just got off the phone with the governor's office
他们告诉我这次暴风雪真是混账... and they told me this storm is a real motherfucker...
好快啊 That was quick.
我不应该那样说 I can't say that, okay.
我们再试一次怎么样? What if we tried again?
我不再评论了 I can't take any more critiques.
不 我是想 如果我们... No, no, I mean, what if we...
再试一次 Tried again.
为了科学检验一下理论 Tested our theories for science.
为了... For...
...科学 ...science.
是的 我想对我应该很有帮助 Yeah, I think it would be really helpful for me.
因为我是个爱实践的学习者 Because I'm more of a hands-on learner.
我们可以那样做 Yeah, we could... we could do that.
好的 Good.
好的 Okay.
交流渠道还保持开放 And the channel of communication stays open.
我们说出心里所想 就这么办 We say whatever's on our mind, that's the deal.
好的 我们可以录下来 Okay, we should film it.
不行吗? 太快了? No? Too far?
抱歉 Sorry.
我们怎么开始? How should we start?
好的 通常 按照时间和地点 Okay, so normally, on date situations,
需要一点点积累 there would be more of a build-up here, right,
但现在有了个连接方案 but since this is strictly a hookup scenario
我想你只要... I think it'd be fine if you just...
不赖 it's not bad.
- 靠 - 好吧 看 没有床单 - Uh, shit. - Okay, see, the lack of sheets
有点出戏的感觉 kind of makes it look a little crack den-y.
很适合角色扮演的剧本 但是... Which is great for like a role-playing scenario but...
是的 清洁日 Yeah, it was laundry day.
好的 过来 Okay, get over here.
好的 Okay.
他们应该做上标记或者什么 对吧? They should label it or something, right?
我觉得里外反了 不过无所谓 I think it's inside out actually, but it's fine.
- 很好 我们到哪了? - 很好 就是这 - That's good, yeah, where were we? - Good, right here.
被推倒在床上的爱好者 Ah, a fan of the bed push.
这是经典的 That's a classic.
不不不 先脱鞋和袜子 Oh, no, no, no, shoes and socks first.
总是站不好时机... There's never a good time for it so, you know...
把它们脱掉 Get them off.
哦 上帝啊 Oh, God.
很好的折衷 Good compromise.
我很喜欢 谢谢 I like that. Thank you.
我喜欢用那东西 I'm like the un of doing it.
这是你所想的吗? Is that sort of what you had in mind?
是的 很好 Yeah, that's good.
非常好 你抓住了诀窍 That's pretty good, you got the hang of that.
很棒 Good.
我有对敏感的乳头 I have sensitive nipples.
这一个特别敏感 That one is really sensitive.
- 有建议吗? - 不 - Any notes? - No.
讨厌! No!
关于经验之谈我想 If there is one thing that you take away
你必须要记住...绝不要这样 from this whole experience... never.
对不起 我想你冷静下来 Sorry, I was trying to cool you off.
我爸爸就曾经这样 My dad used to give me those.
所以现在我想起我爸爸了 And now I am just thinking about my dad.
呃 这太恶心了 对不起 Ew, that's gross, I'm sorry.
好多了 That's better.
这样...好多了 That is... much better.
日本字母 Japanese alphabet.
非常感谢 如师通 Thank you, rosetta stone.
- 天哪! - 真是太棒了! - Holy shit! - That was awesome!
嗨 Hey.
醒醒了 Up and at 'em.
起床了 Wake up.
嗨 Hey.
我们睡着了 We fell asleep.
是啊 这有什么问题吗? Yeah, is that a problem?
嗯-哼 嗯-哼 Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
我没看出来这样的教育目的是什么 I don't see what the educational purposes of it are.
还有 我饿了 Plus, I'm hungry.
嗯...我们要饿死了 Um... We're gonna starve.
如果你喜欢吃芥末就不会了 Not if you like mustard.
你怎么没有吃的呢? Why don't you have food?
我原先有的 Well, I had food,
后来我们在非常兴奋的时候都吃光了 and then we ate it all when we were really high.
哦 是啊 Oh, yeah.
3年的香蕉? Three-year-old banana?
哦 我们有这个 Oh, here we go.
可能今天就要靠这个了 This might have to last days.
- 我们得省着点 - 好吧 - We'll ration it. - Okay.
这个不错 This is good.
好吧 我们现在需要有创造力 All right, we just need to get creative.
给我... 给我十分钟时间 Give me like... give me ten minutes,
- 我会想到办法的 - 好吧 但别独占 - I'll figure something out. - Okay, but don't hog.
好的 你想回到床上去吗? All right, you wanna go back to bed?
让我来想办法吧 Let me figure it out.
特别专递 Special delivery.
- 你从哪弄到的这些? - 嗯? - Where did you get these? - Hmm?
别担心 Don't worry about it.
这是你邻居的面条! These are your neighbors' noodles!
这些是偷来的面条 These are contraband noodles.
我砸碎玻璃的时候你大惊小怪的 You threw such a hissy fit about the window
现在看看你... 你就是个小贼 and now look at you... you are a common thief.
我知道 I know.
还有 郑重声明 And, for the record,
我真觉得你那样破窗而入 I actually thought it was pretty badass
是非常无法无天的 when you broke that window like that.
谢谢 我就是 Thank you, I did too.
也许和你困在一起 You might not be the worst person
也不算最糟糕的事 in the world to be stuck with.
你也一样 Right back at you.
你的父母是医生吗? So were your parents doctors?
嗯-嗯 Mm-mm.
哦 我想他们可能是 Oh, I thought maybe they were
以为这就是你抗拒并且 and that's why you rebelled
不想再干下去的原因 and didn't want to do it anymore.
- 那么发生了什么? - 没什么 - So what happened? - It doesn't matter.
不 肯定有 没事 你可以跟我说说 Yeah, it does, come on, you can tell me.
这对你来说没有任何意义 It wouldn't even make sense to you.
任何事都对我有意义 Everything makes sense to me.
这是作为天才的负担 It's the burden of being a genius.
我也没办法 I can't help it.
这不是 嗯... It's not, um...
不是说我不想成为医生 It's not that I stopped wanting to be a doctor.
那么你想成为一名医生 So you do want to be a doctor.
不 我是说我从没有改变过主意 No, I meant I didn't change my mind.
我从来都不想当医生 一直... 呃 I never wanted to be a doctor, ever... ugh.
那你为什么要去读医学院预科? Then why would you go into premed?
好吧 嗯... Okay, um...
是这样的... So...
我曾经定过婚 I was engaged once.
曾经 Once.
听起来好像我在写回忆录一样 Sounds like I'm writing a memoir.
嗯 我最近订婚了 Um, I was engaged recently.
我们从高中开始交往 We dated through high school,
跟着他上了纽约大学 followed him to NYU.
当我需要选专业的时候 我 嗯... When I had to pick a major, I, uh...
我从没真正计划过需要它 I never actually planned on needing it.
我只是想做一名贤妻良母 I just wanted to be a wife and a mom.
看吧 当你说这样的事情的时候 See, people always look at you funny
人们总是觉得你很可笑 when you say something like that
因为他们对你没有好感 或者他们... 'cause they feel bad for you, or they...
梅根 我没有... 对不起 Megan, I'm not... I'm sorry, I wasn't
我并不觉得你可笑 trying to look at you funny.
不 没关系 你错过了什么 但... No, it's fine. You're missing out on something, but...
哦 Oh.
我不知道 我是说 I don't know, I mean...
我的父母就是这样 It worked for my parents
所以我一直觉得我也会是这样 and I always thought that I'd do the same.
但是造化弄人 And then the universe called my bluff.
怎么了? What happened?
- 他出轨了 - 哦 - He cheated. - Oh.
是啊 更可悲的是这样我们都没分道扬镳 Yeah, and sadly that wasn't even the deal-breaker.
我想就这么算了 但他... I wanted to work through it, but he...
想分手 Wanted out.
他说他想找一个 He said that he wanted to find a girl with
有自己生活的女孩 more of her own life.
别总把"野心"挂在嘴边 Dropped the word "ambition" a few times.
哦 是啊 我曾经也被这个字眼砸到过几次 Ooh, yeah, I've had that word thrown at me a few times too.
不管你信不信 Believe it or not.
我相信 I believe it.
野心就是狗屎 Ambition is such bullshit.
真的 就像是在追逐镜花水月 像是... Seriously, it's just chasing vapor, like...
不管你渴求的是什么 Whatever it is that you think that you need
像是工作或是突出贡献 like that job or that gold star,
最高荣誉 奢华的办公桌 高级的办公室 blue ribbon, fancy desk, nice office,
像这样的... like it doesn't...
一旦你得到了 你就会感到困惑 like once you get that, you're gonna be confused
因为你不会像你 because you're not gonna be as happy
想象中的那样开心 as you thought you were going to be.
然后你就会坐在那里想 Then you're going to be sitting there being like,
"我为什么不开心? "why aren't I happy?
我已经... 我得到这张桌子了" I have this... I got the desk."
因为 伙计 会有另一张桌子 Because, man, there's another desk.
就好像你的野心总会告诉你 Like there's always going to be something more
你还有更加需要的东西 that your ambition is telling you that you need
所以就有另一件东西 so it's the next thing,
当你得到之后 又会有另外一件东西 and then when you get that, there's another thing.
这是一个永无止境的怪圈 It's an endless cycle.
你就这样一直到退休 You're forced into retirement.
你乱踢你尖叫 You're kicking and screaming.
接下来 你住在大别墅里 The next thing you know, you're in a big house,
有四个半卫生间 you've got four-and-a-half bathrooms,
你连一张兵乓球桌都没有 you don't even have a ping-pong table
最后你就这么死了 and you're dead.
让我们把一切都他妈的炸了吧! Let's fucking go blow shit up!
就好像你死了 Like you're dead.
我好像脑子又短路了 I just blacked out for a second.
谢谢你一直陪着我 Thank you for staying with me on that,
我不知道我是否表现出了我的另一面 I didn't know if I was going to come out the other side.
炸毁东西总是有帮助的 Blowing up stuff always helps.
那家伙后来怎么了? So what happened with that guy?
没怎么 Nothing.
一学期后我取得了学位 A semester later I graduated with a degree
我无意使用 I had no intention of using.
再后来我就在这了 And here I am.
那么你之前真的没有搞过一夜情? So you've really never had a one-night stand before?
我好像已经跟你说过一百遍了 I have told you this like 100 times.
你知道 他们通常不会坚持这么久 Well, you should know, they usually don't last this long.
是啊 太倒霉了 Well, that's a bummer.
哇 Wow.
那家伙真是个混蛋 That guy is so screwed.
你什么意思? What do you mean?
你说过他是在高中时遇到你的对吗? You said that he met you in high school, right?
嗯-嗯 Mm-hmm.
所以 他觉得你是一种类型的女孩 So, he thinks that you're a certain type of girl,
他认为当他做好准备时 and he thinks that he will meet
他会在他的生活中再次邂逅同样类型的女孩 that same type of girl later in his life when he's ready.
但...当他准备好时 But... when he's ready,
那个女孩不会再在那里了 that girl's not going to be there.
他根本不知道你有多么的特殊 He has no idea how rare you are.
- 那是什么? - 什么? - What are those? - What?
那些 Those
你被我迷住了 You're giving me googly-eyes.
你肯定是被我迷住了! You totally are, you're giving me googly-eyes!
我现在真的很渴 I'm just really thirsty right now,
所以这是我渴了的眼睛 so those are my thirsty eyes.
你看起来也很渴 You look thirsty too.
我去弄点喝的来 I'm going to get us some drinks.
我能让这迷人的女孩移动 Can I pull a classic girl move
去征用你的最大最舒适的毛衣吗? and confiscate your biggest, comfiest sweatshirt?
而且我保证 我不会偷走的 And I promise, I will not steal it.
好的 等会 Yeah, one sec.
请你务必有异装癖 Please be a cross-dresser.
我找到些果酒 I found some peach schnapps.
虽然瓶子脏了但 The bottle was a little dusty but I think
我觉得酒还是...好的 the liquor is still... good.
黛西在哪? So where's Daisy?
旧金山 San Francisco.
你和她在一起? You're with her?
这是个很难回答的问题 That's a tough question to answer.
不 并不难 No, it's not.
看到没? 你刚刚回答了 See? You just did.
梅根 过来 Megan, here.
让我们谈谈 Look, let's talk about this.
你有自己住的地方 还有... You have the place to yourself, and, boy...
你充分利用了这里 Do you make the most of it.
她什么时候回来? When does she get back?
她本应该今天下午回来的 She was supposed to get back this afternoon
但她的航班取消了 but her flight got canceled.
我听说了 I heard about that.
很显然是他妈的因为这场大暴风雪 Apparently there's this huge fucking blizzard.
知道吗 我一直在想如果有另一个 You know, I always wondered what it would be like
女孩会是怎样的 to be the other girl.
感觉很好 It feels better.
不是超棒 但不可否认很好 Not great, but undeniably better.
等等 Hold on.
谢天谢地 雪停了 Thank God, it stopped.
让我们看看外面的事物 Let's take a look at some of the outside stuff.
现在我们看到的是新泽西 We're looking at the New Jersey transit
运输线已经停运一整天了 making local stops all day long.
在梅洛公园... Here in Melo Park...
我能给你看些东西吗? Can I show you something?
让我一个人静一下 Please just leave me alone.
我没有生气 I'm not mad.
我为什么要生气? How can I be?
我没有问 你也没撒谎 I didn't ask and you didn't lie.
我本来就是想要毫无意义的一夜情 I wanted meaningless sex
现在我也心满意足了 and I got it.
你来看看这个 Let me show you this.
看一眼吧 Please.
看一下吧 Read.
所以说她甩了你但你还和她同居吗 So she dumped you but you still live with her?
她还没正式给我 She didn't give it to me yet.
我不懂 I don't understand.
而且说实话 我根本不在乎 And honestly, I don't care.
三周前她让我帮她找她的钱包 Three weeks ago she asked me to look for her wallet
我找钱包的时候 and when I was looking for her wallet
无意找到了这个 I accidently found this.
我不知道该怎么做 I didn't know what to do.
所以我午饭的时候把钱包还给她了 So I gave her her wallet back at lunch
第二天她就去巡演了 and then the next day she left for tour.
巡演 她是干什么的 难道是 Tour? What is she, like...
她是个DJ she's a dj.
当然了 Of course.
她肯定是人们想象中最酷的女生 Of course, she's like the coolest girl imaginable.
我在网上注册账号是因为 I made that profile because
我希望在她点燃这个导火索的时候 I wanted to have something to throw in her face
至少我自己手里有筹码能甩给她看 whenever she wanted to pull the trigger.
我知道这种行为很幼稚 And I know that's very immature.
你可以直接跟她分手啊 You could have broken up with her.
我知道 Yeah.
我真的这么想过 Yeah, I thought about that.
人们总说单身多好多好 People talk about how great it is to be single
纯属瞎扯 and that's bullshit,
一旦加入了单身派对 joining the single party.
就不是派对了 不过是一群人 It's not a party, it's a bunch of people
在黑暗中自顾自地坐着 发着信息 sitting around in the dark, texting.
政府已经听到了 Your complaints about how slow the plowing
大家对皇后区和布鲁克林区 is going in outer boroughs such as queens and Brooklyn
铲雪工作进行太慢的抱怨 are not falling on deaf ears.
我们从卫生部门得知 And we're hearing from the Sanitation Department
他们现在正派人处理这一问题 that they're getting that done right away.
我做了蠢事 对不起 And I did something stupid, and I'm sorry.
报道说地铁和公交车 ... report that the subways and buses
也要开始运营了 are starting to run, as well.
失陪一下 Excuse me.
暴风雪的主体已经推进了谢南多厄河谷 Most of the storm is pushed up into the Shenandoah Valley...
梅根 等等 Megan, wait.
嘿 Hey...
别这样 我不 那你说我该怎么做 Come on, I didn't... what was I supposed to do?
我之前都不认识你 我不 I didn't even know that you existed, I don't...
听我说 我不想要她 我想要你 Look, I don't want her, I want you.
我想要你 I want you.
你凭什么觉得我也想要你 And what makes you think that I want you?
你就是个银行工作的傻缺 You're just some funny guy that works at a bank.
我觉得你严重高估了 I think you severely overestimate
自己打碎人心的能力 your ability to break hearts.
别走 Come on.
天啊 梅根 Oh my God, Megan!
嘿 Hey.
那是我的羽绒被吗 Is that my duvet?
你好 Hi.
哦天啊 Oh, God.
你俩真是够作的 天啊 You guys are monsters. God!
你的约会如何 How was your date?
- 确定删除账号吗 - 是的 删除我的账号 - Are you sure you wish to delete your account? - Yes, delete my account.
你看起来很困了 我想让你睡会儿来着 You looked so tired I wanted to let you sleep.
嘿 你在 干嘛呢 Hey, what are you... Doing?
- 黛西 我有话要跟你讲 - 是啊 我知道 - Daisy, we should talk. - Yeah, I know.
我在垃圾桶里找到了那张纸条 I found the note in the trash.
我明明把纸条放那儿了 I have the note right here.
昨晚很棒 公寓不错 哈哈 梅根 Thanks for last night. Awesome department. XO. Megan
你什么时候找到这个的 When did you find this?
帮你找钱包的时候 Um, when I was looking for your wallet.
无意中找到的 By accident.
我算是明白情况了 I see what's going on here.
你看过这个之后 希望我回家时 You read this, and then you wanted me to come home
看到这个风骚的口红俳句 and find this slutty little lipstick haiku
好让你在分手时抢占先机 so that you could be the one that ended us.
这不是俳句 音节都不够 It's not a haiku, there's not enough syllables.
你可真幼稚 You are a child.
是啊 Yeah.
黛西 你我都明白 Look, Daisy, we both know
我们在一起不合适 that we weren't right for each other.
我觉得我们已经在这种状态下相处很久了 And I think we both knew that for a long time,
不过也没什么 but it's fine.
我们都怕自己 We were just scared that the perfect person
找不到那个绝配的人 wasn't out there for us.
如果没有绝配这种说法呢 And what if they're not?
我觉得有 I think they are.
好吧 那现在怎么办 Okay, so what now?
我可以把我的东西都搬到凯文家 I can move my stuff over to Kevin's place.
我借过他马桶塞 He owes me for a plunger.
好的 Okay.
走之前告诉我 Let me know when you're out.
嘿 黛西 Hey, Daisy...
我能问你件事吗 Can I ask you something?
说吧 Yeah.
你有没有 Did you ever...
假装高潮过 Fake it?
哇 Wow.
谈了一年 A year together.
现在结束了 Done.
你想的就是这些东西吗 And that's what you're thinking about right now?
没有 我现在在想很多事 No, I'm thinking of all kinds of stuff right now.
我想到记忆里的事 还有我的感受 I'm thinking of memories and feelings and...
但是我真的想知道 你有那样做过吗 But I just need to know if... did you do that?
好吧 对不住了 Yeah, I'm sorry.
我有时候很懒 I got lazy.
不过你也不该装的 But you shouldn't have faked it.
懂吗 那样做没帮助的 Okay, because that's not helping anybody.
你要学会沟通 You gotta communicate.
你遇到啥事了 What happened to you?
告诉她 说啊 Tell her, talk to her.
梅根 法依扎有话要跟你讲 Megan, faiza has something she wants to tell you.
好吧 Okay.
通常我不会这么早提这事儿的 Listen, normally I'd wait to bring this up
至少会等你恢复一点元气再说 until after you'd recovered a bit,
不过我和塞德里克真的很享受 but Cedric and I sort of enjoyed
我们二人世界的这几晚 真的 having the place to ourselves the past couple nights. We did.
之前我也不确定 And I wasn't sure that we would,
因为我已经习惯了你一直在这儿 你懂吗 'cause I am so used to you always being here, you know?
你一直都在 没走过 Like... nonstop, all the time.
呃 不过 宝贝儿 帮我说吧 求你了 Um, but... baby, help me out, please.
其实我们就是在想 Yeah, basically we were just thinking,
要是你搬走会怎么样 what if you moved out,
你懂得 就是想想这种可能会怎样 you know, like what would that be like?
你得理解我俩 And you have to understand,
你可以在这儿多留一阵子 多久都行 you can stay here as long as you need,
直到你自己独立起来 until you get on your feet.
几天都行 三天啊几天的 A couple of days, three days...
你想住多久住多久 However long you want.
- 就四天吧 - 行了别说了 - Four days. - Okay.
没事 我觉得 No, I think...
我觉得你说的很对 I think it's a really good idea.
- 你真的这么想吗 - 她都说是了 - You do? - She says she does.
我搬到纽约只是因为克里斯 Look, I only moved to New York because of Chris.
我之前想 要是我回家了 And I thought that if I went home
就要正面这个事实了 it would just be admitting that.
所以我留下了 So I stayed
还了解到了不寂寞的网络世界 and made sure that the Internet wasn't lonely.
我需要有人踹我一脚 I needed a kick in the ass.
好的 那你想好要怎么做了吗 Cool, so do you know what you're gonna do?
没有 No.
我一点想法也没有啊 No, I have no fucking clue.
完全没想法 No idea, unh-unh.
你知道这意味着什么吗 Do you know what this means?
这是我们以舍友身份 That this is our last new year's Eve
度过的最后一个除夕夜 as roommates.
太棒了 Awesome.
嘿 我知道我要说的话可能真的像是 Yeah, hey, so I realize this is probably word-for-word
一个神经病才会说的 something that a crazy person would say,
不过几天前我在你们的网站上遇到了一个女生 but I met a girl on your website a few nights ago and...
我觉得我可以打断您一下了 I think I can save us both some time here.
不不不 我不是要她的住址和其他资料 Yeah, no, no, no, I don't need her address or anything,
我就是想知道她姓什么 I just need to know her last name.
我确定你俩之间肯定很有火花 I'm sure it was magical,
不过我们不能外泄任何顾客的个人信息 but we cant give our customers'
除非是给警察 personal information to anyone other than the police.
所以 既然你不是警察 So, provided you're not a cop,
我还有什么能帮到你的吗 is there anything else I can help you with today?
没了 Nope.
那不只是给孩子看的 It's not just a show for kids.
任何人都能看的 Anybody can get into it.
只要你懂得 You know, it's for anybody who cherishes
友谊的价值 又喜欢探险 friendship, adventure.
有这样一个角色 她叫美国白兰地 There's this one character, her name is Applejack,
她是我的最爱 she's my favorite.
她真是个小矮胖 She's such a fireplug.
其实她让我有点想起了你 She kind of reminds me of you, actually.
我看你没有听到我说啥 I think I lost you there.
不好意思 嗨 Excuse me? Hello?
我就直说了啊 I'm just going to put this out here,
你算是很不会与人交谈吧 but you're kind of a fucking terrible conversationalist.
我不知道你有没有过 I don't know if... if ever...
我觉得是因为你很 I think it's because you are so...
有魅力 ...captivating.
我只是被你吓尿了而已 呼 I am just intimidated as fuck... whoo.
哦不 你不用怕我的 Oh, no, there's nothing to be scared of.
- 失陪了 - 不不不 求你不要走 - Excuse me. - No, no, no, please, please.
天啊尼玛 Godammit!
好吧 行吧 好极了 Okay, yeah, all right, great.
真是个婊子 Son of a motherfucking bitch!
婊子养的婊子啊 Motherfucking son of a fucking bitch!
尼玛 Fuck!
现在到了大家翘首以盼的时候了 And now is the moment you've all been waiting for...
呼 Whoo!
梅根 Megan.
好久不见啊 Long time no see.
我是本 It's Ben.
生物课上的 From bio class?
你怎么会在这 How are you here?
- 你认得法依扎吗 - 当然当然 - Do you know faiza? - Yeah, yeah, yeah.
我和塞德里克是好哥们儿 I'm good buddies with Cedric.
我们去多买点酒 We're going to get more booze.
你俩好好玩儿哦 Have fun you two!
是你啊 You!
你是那个傻傻的帅哥 You are the dumb, pretty guy!
呃 Oh...
呃 我该谢谢你吗 Uh, thank you?
我本来应该上你的 I was supposed to bang you.
这真是宇宙守恒啊 哦 This is the universe correcting itself... oops.
你想好去哪家医学院了吗 So where'd you decide on med school?
告诉你个惊喜 我被我最喜欢的两所学校录取了 Just a surprise, I got into both my top choices
但是现在我只是在纠结 but now I'm simply just trying to decide.
这是个重大的决定而且... It's a big decision and...
而且很明显我爸有他的想法... and obviously my dad has opinions...
梅根 梅根? Megan, Megan?
- 你懂的 只是... - 嘘 嘘... - You know, it's just... - Shh, shh...
有警察! 梅根? Police! Megan?
梅根 是你吗? Megan, right?
有任何噪音投诉请找法依扎或塞德里克 Any noise complaints go to Faiza or to Cedric,
因为现在这公寓是他们的了 because this is their apartment now.
事实上他们特别要找你 Actually they're asking for you specifically
梅根·帕加诺? Megan Pagano?
你能跟我们到走廊上去一下吗? You wanna step in the hall with us?
为什么? Why?
警官在洛潘的洗手间里发现了这个 Officers found this in the Lopans' bathroom.
你不明白 You don't understand.
这个人是个神经病 This guy is a psychopath.
他在陷害我 He's setting me up!
是他计划了这整件事 He is setting this whole thing up!
我明白 Which I realize
这听起来就像一个疯子说的话 is exactly what a crazy person would say
但这解释了我的处境 but that explains my situation.
他已经疯到能逼我说疯话的地步了 He is so crazy that he is forcing me to sound crazy.
- 你明白他想干什么吗? - 女士... - Do you see what he's doing? - Ma'am...
你有 还是没有 Did you, or did you not,
从窗户闯入 break in through the window of
洛潘夫妇的公寓 Mr. and Mrs. lopan's apartment?
你 恩... 你脸上有点... You, um... You got a little...
有些... Some...
好了 弄掉了 Okay, got it.
很漂亮 Pretty.
你们谁是梅根·帕加诺? Which one of you is Megan Pagano?
你被保释了 You made bail.
等等 那... 那不可能 Wait, that's... that's impossible.
我还没有给谁打电话呢 I haven't even made a phone call yet.
她可以那样做吗? She can do that?
她可以拒绝我的保释? She can refuse my bail?
你说真的? Are you serious?
好吧 听着 我只是... 我需要和她聊聊 Okay, look, I just... I need to talk to her.
你只能在探访时间来探望 You can only visit during visiting hours,
而且是 也只能是 在那个人愿意的情况下 and if, and only if, the person wants to see you.
而我猜她不想见你 考虑到 Which I'm gonna guess she doesn't, being that she would
她宁愿待在牢里也不愿出来见你 rather remain locked in jail than see your face.
哇... 那真伤人 Wow... rude.
呃 好吧 如果我告诉你 Uh, okay, well, what if I told you that
是我帮她闯进那间公寓的 I helped her break into that apartment?
那你能把我和她关到一起吗? Then would you lock me up with her?
能 警察局就是干这个的 Yeah, that's how police stations work.
- 你是在讽刺我吗? - 你是认真的? - Are you being sarcastic? - Are you serious?
我需要跟她谈谈! I need to talk to her!
哦 那好吧 Oh, okay then.
五 四 三 二 一! Five, four, three, two, one!
新年快乐! Happy new year!
那这两个人呢? How about these two?
他们足够特别来保你出狱吗? Are they special enough to post your bail?
我的天啊 发生了什么事? Oh my God, what happened?
带我回家吧 Just take me home.
过来 Here.
嘿 Hey.
- 这是谁? - 我很抱歉 - Who is that? - I'm sorry.
但我都不知道你姓什么 But I didn't know your last name.
我该做什么? What was I supposed to do?
说真的除了这个其他都行! Literally anything but this!
好吧 你很不高兴 但是 梅根 Okay, you're upset, but, Megan,
你对我有感觉而我对你也有 you felt something and I felt something.
我那是斯德哥尔摩综合症 What I felt was Stockholm syndrome.
嘿 嘿 我不会再让你走开 Hey, hey, I can't let you walk out another door
直到你听我说完 without listening to me.
你为什么要做这些事? Why are you doing this?
你有女朋友了 You have a girlfriend.
那都已经结束了 That's over now.
听着 梅根 嘿 听我解释 Look, Megan, hey, let me explain.
我应该把她的事告诉你的 而且昨晚 I should have told you about her, and there were
有些时候我很想告诉你 times last night I wanted to tell you about her
而我也本应该说的 and I should have,
但是在昨晚的其他时候 but there was other times last night
我甚至忘了其他人的存在 that I forgot that other people even existed.
我知道这听起来很傻 因为你的朋友 And I know that sounds stupid, 'cause your friends
盯着我好像我的小弟弟露出来了一样 are staring at me like my fucking dick is hanging out.
不好意思 那很搞笑 I'm sorry, it was funny.
先生? Sir?
好吧 让我们赶快把这事搞定 Okay, let's wrap this up.
警察先生不开心了 我们得让警察先生开心 The cop's not happy, let's keep the cop happy.
梅根? Megan?
- 你害我被关进牢里! - 我很抱歉 - You put me in jail! - I'm sorry.
就像个罪犯一样! For like criminals!
他要是再扯5秒钟他就要进去亲自体验一下了 He's got about five seconds before he finds out firsthand.
好 好 操 见鬼 Okay, fine, fuck, shit.
恩 听着 那不是针对你 也不是针对你 Uh, look, not directed at you, and not directed at you.
听着 我搞砸了 Look, I messed up.
我搞砸了 但我非常 非常抱歉 I messed up, but I am really, really sorry.
但你不能在弄明白我们能发展成什么样之前 But you can't stop us before we even realize
就阻止这一切 what we could be.
而我们应该把它想清楚 也许... And we should figure that out, maybe...
也许当我们出去约会 Maybe we hang out
我们会觉得其实我们并不喜欢彼此 and we realize we don't like each other.
也许你会被我的舞姿吓跑 Maybe you're very intimidated by my dancing,
或者可能我会发现你很... or maybe I find out you're like...
很种族歧视 Really racist.
好吧 这只是个假设 Okay, that was a hypothetical.
听着 我只是想说你有很多东西 Look, all I'm saying is that there's a lot of stuff
我都不了解 that I don't know about you
有很多我们需要聊的 and there's a lot that we need to talk about.
我和你共度了两个晚上 I spent two nights with you,
这时间远远不够 and that's not enough time.
多给我点时间 求你了 Give me more time, please.
中间部分有点虚 It was a little shaky in the middle
但他结尾说得不错 but he finished strong.
我被感动了 I'm touched.
梅根 你怎么想? Megan, what do we think?
我想你害我被进了牢里 I think you put me in jail.
我们还在讨论哪个? We're still on that?
听着 嘿 嘿 别这样 Look, hey, hey, come on.
总有一天你会笑着回看这一切 Some day you're gonna laugh about this.
我保证总有一天你会 I promise that you're gonna find this
觉得这一切很滑稽 all very funny some day.
好吧 我们来做个交易 Okay, let's make a deal.
给我你的号码 然后离开 You give me your number, and leave.
然后当我能笑着看着一切时 And the minute I laugh about it,
我会告诉你的 I'll let you know.
你想待多久就待多久 Stay as long as you want.
那个伙计有病 That guy was nuts.
- 我能跟他一起出去玩吗 - 塞德里克! - Can I hang out with him? - Cedric!
我只是说说 我没什么机会遇到有趣的人 I'm just saying, I don't meet a lot of funny people.
好吧 有趣的人不会去开救护车 Okay, funny people don't drive ambulances.
操 Shit.
喂? Hello?
你真是个傻瓜 You are kind of an idiot,
你知道自己这一点吗? do you realize that about yourself?
你自己能行吗? You good?
嗯 我听别人说过 Yeah, I've heard that.
你知道这都是我的功劳 对吧? You know that was all me, right?
- 不 才不是 - 你在胡扯些什么? - No, it was not. - What the fuck are you talking about?
那就是 It was.
给你点建设性的批评 ...do you think in the spirit of constructive criticism,
下次你做了什么蠢事之后 the next time you wanna win a girl back
又想把那个女孩赢回来 after doing something stupid,
先练一下你的发言 或是别的 like practice your speech, or something
只是为了下一个女孩 因为... for the next girl, because...
我得说老实话... 你刚说的糟透了 I'm gonna be honest... yours just fucking sucked!
操 那是... 我都为你感到难堪... Shit, it was... I was embarrassed for you...
恩 恩 恩 怎么了? mm-mm. Mm, mm, what?
发展得太快了 It's way too soon.
- 太快了 - 这很合理 - Way too soon. - That's fair.
相当合理 That's totally fair.
好吧 我很抱歉我让你进牢里了 Okay, I'm sorry that I put you in jail,
但你有没有想过你要怎么 but have you thought about what that's
赢回你的街头信誉 going to do for your street cred?
有 当然 我想过 Yeah, of course, I have,
那是我考虑到的第一件事 that was like the first thing I thought of.
先要搞个纹身 Gonna get that shit tattooed.
而且你也不用担心 And you don't have to worry about
洛潘夫妇的起诉我已经搞定了 the Lopans pressing charges 'cause I took care of 'em.
- 你谋杀了洛潘夫妇 - 这事必须得完成 - Did you murder the Lopans? -It had to be done.
- 你没等我就做了? - 恩恩 - You did it without me? - Mm-hmm.
我想我已经为那个吻做好准备了 I think I'm ready for that kiss now.
- 是吗? - 是啊 - Yeah? - Yeah.
你尝起来像监狱 You taste like prison.
- 又下雪吗? - 哦 是啊 - Is it really snowing again? - Oh, yeah.
看看它们 无数个渺小的小媒人 Look at 'em, a million tiny, little matchmakers.
谢谢 雪花 Thank you, snowflakes.
所以... 去你家还是我家 So... Your place or mine?
我没有家了 I don't have a place anymore.
我也没有 Me neither.
你真是个磨人的小妖精 You are a catch.
你也是 So are you.